I understood from what he said that he probably either thought he didn't need God, or then he thought God would spoil everything and make his life worse. Or maybe not worse, but just radically change it into a more undesirable direction.

At the moment I was puzzled. Why would anyone reject God?
God doesn't make our life miserable. He loves us and saves us and teaches us new things; He answers all our questions and is with us every day of our life; He chills with us, laughs and crys with us..

Why would someone be afraid of God making things worse?

I didn't understand it then. But then I ended up listening to Heidi Baker from the internet.
As I listened to her message I was amazed at her. She was so pure in her love for God. So obedient, so lovable, faithful, thirsty for Jesus. I realized that I wanted what she had.

I want to know God as she knows Him. I want to thirst for Jesus; I want more of God. I want to know what He is thinking; I want to share everything with Him. I want to say: "Yes Lord, take me wherever you want, my life is yours, I want to obey You, I want to love like You do. Just teach me everything and do with my life whatever You see fit."

This is what my heart cried out from the depths of my spirit. But then something came up. I recalled Heidi telling how people have been trying to kill her and all other hardships that she has been through. No one said following Jesus was easy. I hesitated; do I really want all that I said above? Do I really want to get to know more of Jesus' heart and follow Him wherever He may lead me, if I had to let go of some things?

Then I understood my friend’s thoughts: he doesn't know what God would do with his life if he gave it to Him. Maybe God would make him do some things he doesn't feel comfortable doing, maybe he would need to give up things...

But the thing is, I know what my friend would get in return, and I know it is worth it. Not only worth it in this life, but also in the other. Because I have crossed that line of belief I know his fears are vain. He has no reason to be afraid of God. Accepting Jesus as the only Son of God and our Saviour is the greatest thing that can happen to us and the best thing ever.

This moment of hesitation I had, passed as I made my decision. If I have not lived in that kind of obedience, that kind of intimacy with God, why should I be afraid of it? Just because I can imagine all sorts of things that could frighten me with such a commitment does not mean I am right and that my life would turn miserable. Sure bad things happen, but bad things happen to everyone. I see the fruits such commitment to God bears and I long for it, what should I be frightened of?

Because I know God created me and I know I am going to heaven because of Jesus, wouldn't I want to make the most of my life? Wouldn't I want to live for God fully, to love with all I have (or with what God gives me) and search God the most? I do. That is exactly what I want. I want Jesus fully. Not just the part where He dies for my sins and opens the gate for me to enter heaven, but I want to get to know His heart. What is He thinking at the moment? What could Jesus do through me, if I let Him? Nothing is impossible for him, who believes, because I myself cannot do anything, but God in me is able to do everything, I believe He can change my resisting heart into something that can please Him.

I want Jesus.

Jesus I ask you to use me. Jesus give me love to love people like you love them. Teach me obedience, teach me grace, and teach me love. Give me wisdom, humility, understanding, patience, love. In Jesus name.

God is truly alive. He is amazing. Nothing binds Him. He is great. My words are not able to describe God, but I know He loves us with His everlasting love and I know His heart longs for ours. I know He is patient so that we could get to know Him better and we could be saved. Thank you Jesus!

Eeva//Thirsting for God Jesus!

I want to drink from the spring of eternal life!

I was lying eyes closed on my bed thinking of how tired I was. I opened my eyes and saw the phosphor stars, I had glued on the wall and ceiling, shed their dim light. I turned around and grabbed my diary from the side of my bed. Pen. I need a pen; I thought and bent over to look for it under my bed. Found one. It had been a long time since I had written anything in my diary, but now I decided to use this lazy time to put some of my thoughts down.

Unrequited love

Sometimes the feeling of longing for that special someone overcomes you like a wave you don't even want to swim against. This wave is especially strong during the late hours of the evenings, when your brain is not occupied in thinking about the smart things of life, and you tiredly let it roam free inside your head picking on things you wish it'd let just be.

To make you feel even worse is the fact that while your brain is going through your longing emotions, it decides to do a comparative study and brings out all the happy couples you know who supposedly are either married, or began dating around your age or earlier. Obviously your mind means no harm to you, but it’s just a little hobby if it’s when it gets too bored.

"Nice, my parents are still married... " my mind says and a picture of my smiling parents who found each other when they were in their teens flashes across my eyes. "Oh, and my sister too, and my brother will tie the knot this weekend," my brain goes on obviously evading to calculate the consequences its comparative study could cause. "Oh, my relatives are all pairing up and my schoolmates are all dating. Coooool. Yeap, my little sister has also found that special someone. Aha.." There are times I let my mind win and I fall deep into the pretty pits of comparing and agonizing why everyone else and not me. But that day is not today. I have learnt to trust.

Not being able to see him does not mean he does not exist.

I held the pen in my hand and glanced outside the window. Snow was slowly falling from the sky. Big white flakes dancing in the light of the lamppost.

Sometimes I was asked the question why I didn't date, or why was I still single. The question almost sounded like "What is wrong with you? Why don’t you have a man?" as if to imply that though I looked normal from the outside I had something seriously wrong with me from within. Obviously I do not have an objective opinion about myself, so I couldn't say whether my mind functions normally or not, but I would argue that a man and a woman are a whole on their own as well as with someone.

One question is, why start a relationship with someone one does not like, or with whom one does not like to chill out and share one's thoughts with?

Here someone could ask "Haven’t you ever liked someone? Haven’t you ever felt like you would want to spend some time with that person and share your thoughts with him?"
Yes, this is the tricky part. When it comes to relationships, usually a mutual feeling of these kinds of things is required. Nobody wants to force someone to like them in that special way if they do not feel the same way naturally. Pretending to be someone else just to fit one's requirements, just so to gain his affections can be costly..

Eeva: "So, what’s your favorite color? I like blue best."

That someone: "Blue? I hate blue; my favorite color is poop brown."

Eeva: "Really.. Actually, come to think about it, I also love poop brown best!"

That someone:"Really! Then we are a perfect match! We should get married in poop brown clothes and have our house painted the same color!"

Eeva: "Uhh... Yea..." and in her head Eeva thought: I’m getting married, but at what cost! I hate poop brown, and now I have to pretend my whole life!

… Indeed. Don’t you just love my excellent example, huh?

Anyways, the moral of the story is, you should be yourself. Pretence is not a good basis for a relationship.

I yawned. The day had been long and now it was snowing more. I got up and stretched. I felt dizzy for a moment probably because I got up too fast and squeezed my eyes shut waiting it to pass. I wanted to get rid of this weird feeling. I need to get some fresh air, I thought and went to look for my gloves and jacket. I pulled my pink hat on and looked down at my shoe-collection. I had bought my first high-heeled winter shoes ever and they looked at me innocently from the floor as if to say: "Wear me! You will finally be pretty and the unbearable pain your feet will be feeling tomorrow will be worth it!" I hesitantly glanced at my pair of old, worn, sneakers, which would not win the fashion prizes anytime soon, unless "dorky" became the new "hip". I grabbed my dorky shoes and pulled them on.

I was not like the other girls. Maybe none of the girls are like the other girls, but that would just pose the question “Who are the other girls in the first place?” Anyways, I was different. I looked around me in the city covered in snow and thanked God I had not worn a skirt. It was freezing.

Okay, maybe there was something in me that affected my choice in men, and sometimes it worked as an excellent men-repeller as well. I have never had troubles discussing this issue with people, men or women and to be honest every time I discuss about this issue I feel as though I'm a fish released into the fresh deep sea, aka happy. It’s my passion, and I feel I would want to share it with that special someone.

So what is this thing I have, which works so well? Though my mum would suggest it would be judo that scares the men away, the one which repels even some of the judokas is Jesus.

As I said, mutual liking is required in a relationship. Or at least the will to want like the other person no matter what. As this is said, I think we are able to know a little bit of how God feels.

God loves us so much, but among us there are those who do not love Him back. God thinks about us 24/7 and the thought of getting attention and spending time with us brings a smile on His face. But the smile is not there to stay because the people ignore Him, reject Him and run away from Him.

It seems as though some of us would rather have God as the poop brown loving person, who is pretending to be who we want Him to be rather than accepting God as He is with His righteous opinions no matter how harsh they might feel at first. We talk about the importance of being yourself  but refuse to accept others when they actually are being themselves.

Imagine loving someone so much that he is constantly in your mind. You cannot get over him until you gather the courage to tell him or her how you feel. You wish and dream he would feel the same, but when the frightful moment comes when you let him know how you feel..

He looks into your eyes and laughs:

"I dont feel the same way"

"I don’t believe you actually love me!"

"Actually, I hate you"

"Let’s just be friends, ok?"

It just breaks your heart.

After all, you were longing for a deeper intimacy and got rejected.

God does it too. He longs for a deeper intimacy with us and it breaks His heart every time He gets rejected.

Unrequited love. God of all people (metaphorically speaking) knows what it is like to love and not be loved back in return. But the difference is what God does after He gets rejected? He still decides to love with His perfect forgiving and caring love regardless whether we decide to answer His love or not.

I think I want to do so too…

Eeva // waiting for summerrrrr     \(^-^)/

Hey people!
I know its been a while, but I hope you will enjoy my short story. The ones starring in it are very famous.

I hope you enjoy the

    " EPIC  BATTLE  OF  THE  ANCIENT  MINDS  IN  THE  TERRITORY  OF  A  GIRLS  HEAD  ON  A  SPRING  MORNING"

... You know I'm not so good with names.. But then again, I'm sure the content is the most important, right?

"I sat on the hard wooden bench fighting against distraction. I felt as though something was pressing me hard. The law. I felt I was under the law.

"But that can't be it. Jesus has freed us from it," I tried to reason. This reasoning did not explain why I felt the way I did. It was as though everything around me was yelling me to try to be good. Not in a Godly sense but in this I have to or else-sense. I sighed and closed my eyes.

"Maybe God could wash this feeling away with grace..?"
A short snicker interrupted my request and I glanced to my left. A beautiful angelic creature looked at me with a mocking smile.
"Your'e such a bad Christian," the beautiful creature almost laughed his face accusing me for not reaching the standards of goodness. I felt the burden lay heavily on my shoulders.

"Would grace cover for my incompetence?" I asked him slightly annoyed by the interruption of my thoughts.
"Fool! Do you really think God would take you as you are?" His voice was nearly frantic, "Yeah, sure," he snorted "He might accept you like that at first, but actually He wants you to become better. You should read the Bible more, go to church, pray more, spread the Good News better." He was obviously trying to keep his voice light, though I felt a flush of distaste in his tone on the way he said the 'Good News'.

"But, I am. I'm trying to do those things. I pray.." I mumbled as I heard his voice of condemnation still ring in my ears.
"You think God hears your prayers? Do you think He actually cares?" The creature challenged, his blue saphire-like eyes sparkling.
"Umm.. Yeah. I think He does," I answered truthfully.

"Well, why isn't your finger healed?" He pointed at my swollen left hand middle finger with an innocent grin on his face. I had hurt my finger about six months ago, and the joint had really swelled up and felt tender even now. I opened my palm infront of my face feeling the angelic gaze follow my expression carefully.
"God can heal me anytime," I defended.
"Yeah, He could heal you," He paused tactically, "If He wanted to.. But seeing it is not healed.." his voice drifted away letting my imgination fill the rest of the sentence.
"Its not like that.. " I rejected his idea. He was silent for a while, staring idly at the high white church windows.

"A true Christian would not turn down any opportunity to pray; weather it means praying alone or in a group. I haven't seen you do that in a long time," a hard mocking edge entered his tone as he continued "Maybe God has chosen to leave you. You know He knows who'll go to heaven and hell, and maybe He saw best to erase your name from the list.."
I stared at the beautiful face in disbelief.
"Or then again, maybe it is good you don't pray in groups. Its not as if you have something special to say, anyways. Just the normal whining," he chuckled silently at his private joke.

"Who are you?" I managed to get my voice even. His comment had hurt. I knew I was not much of a prayer. Yes, I whined to God about several things, usually not even letting Him get a word in between, but that was private. That was between me and Him.

"You wonder why God never answers your prayers? " He asked flatly ignoring my question.
"What do you mean He doesn't answer. He does-"
"The finger, remember," he pointed at my hand with a jubilant grin before continuing "To me it seems as though God has put you on a loooong hold. Or maybe your life calling is just to stay out of the way of the Good Christians, who actually seek God and are really, really close to Him, " he mused.

"If God calls me to stay out of the way, I should do as He says." I was sure he could hear the sadness in my voice.
"Yea.. Some people just haven't got any talents to begin with," he seemed to be talking to himself now rather than me. I clenched my fist around the bills I was holding trying to suppress my anger. He seemed to notice that.

"Do you plan on giving money to the church?" His voice was barely interested now.
"Whats it to you," I answeres curtly.
"So you're trying to pretend to be the 'good christian' by giving away all that money? Don't you think thats a bit too much?"
"I don't plan on pretending anything to anyone.. And I don't have to give it all."
"What, now you're gonna put only a little bit of money instead of all of that? What kind of a Christian are you, you don't even pay tithes. Don't you know 'God loves a cheerful giver'? Selfish girl.." He muttered.
"Okay, okay. Fine, see, I'll put all the bills in. Happy now?" I just wanted him to shut up. This angelic creature was driving me crazy.
"God, you are such a show-off. Think you can buy your way to heaven, huh?"
I couldn't believe it. What was I suppose to do then? I stared at the creatures perfect features, which were fixed into an innocent smile clearly aware of my inner struggle.

"Youre giving me a headache," I finally concluded.
"Bet your God won't heal that either," he chuckled. "Not with your resumé at least."

"You think?" An unfamiliar velvet voice from my left interrupted the musing of the gorgeous creature. Before I turned my head to see who spoke, I saw the creature's angelic features twist with such hate and revulsion I instinctly flinched back. I quickly followed the creature's gaze to my left. A gentle pair of eyes looked past me with such authority and confidence I felt my heart skip a beat. I stared in awe at the man. His looks weren't exceptional in any way, but it was his spirit and being that emanated such goodness and acceptance that I could not turn my eyes off of him. It wasn't until he turned his eyes to mine that I had to look down. I had never felt so loved in my entire life.

"Do not be afraid," his every word was filled with compassion, "You don't have to fill any laws. I have already fulfilled the Law."

It was exactly as I thought. I was not bound by the Law.

Didn't Jesus take our transgressions for the exact reason that we, people, were not capable of making our way to heaven with our deeds? God wanted to show His love to us, and what better way to do that than to give His love freely to everyone who is willing to accept it through-

"Jesus...," I whispered out loud.

I glanced to my right at the creature. His expression was pained and he seemed to shrink on his seat. The beauty he had reflected earlier had vanished leaving the once sparkling eyes burning with hatred and bitterness. Unforgiveness had distorted his face into a sad mask and the closeness of such pure goodness seemed to take its toll on his self-control as fear flashed through his eyes.

"Eeva." The man said my name and I had never heard anyone say it with such tenderness. I looked shyly up to the man now knowing who He was. His brown eyes pored into mine and at that moment I felt the answers to all my doubts, fears and unvoiced questions. Nevertheless He decided to voice them.

"I hear your prayers. I never leave your side so how could I not hear them?" It was not a question

"I'm not looking for talents in people. I don't offer forgiveness while expecting people to pay me back. I'm looking for people who are willing to love." My eyes filled up with tears. I had to look down.

"You did not choose me, but I chose you. And I'm not going to leave my work unfinished." It was so hard to understand how I could be loved with such patience.

"But you know the path that comes from following Me is not the easiest one," He paused and a sorrowful tone entered His voice " this path includes pains, hardships, disease, accidents, persecution, suffering, sadness.. Your finger is not the biggest hardship a Christian can go through, trust me." It was true, and I knew it. After all what He had gone through on the cross and I would whine over a swollen finger? I took a deep breath to calm myself.

"And what comes to your self-defense, " I could hear the smile in His voice now. "I think you need to practise spiritual judo as well as the original art." I blushed still looking down.

"It is written 'For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.'"

In that moment I felt the weight be lifted off of me. I glanced to my right side.
The hard wooden bench was empty.

Satan was gone."

Yes, so as you can see this Jesus-character won many Oscars from His performance.
Also, I heard from a reliable source, that He does His own stunts..
But be good.

Tomorrow is my first spring day in school. Sugoi!

Thats right.

Eeva