Wednesday, 06 May 2009

• Unrequited Love

    
  

   

  I was lying eyes closed on my bed thinking of how tired I was. I opened my eyes and saw the phosphor stars, I had glued on the wall and ceiling, shed their dim light. I turned around and grabbed my diary from the side of my bed. Pen. I need a pen; I thought and bent over to look for it under my bed. Found one. It had been a long time since I had written anything in my diary, but now I decided to use this lazy time to put some of my thoughts down.

  Unrequited love

   

  Sometimes the feeling of longing for that special someone overcomes you like a wave you don't even want to swim against. This wave is especially strong during the late hours of the evenings, when your brain is not occupied in thinking about the smart things of life, and you tiredly let it roam free inside your head picking on things you wish it'd let just be.

   

  To make you feel even worse is the fact that while your brain is going through your longing emotions, it decides to do a comparative study and brings out all the happy couples you know who supposedly are either married, or began dating around your age or earlier. Obviously your mind means no harm to you, but it’s just a little hobby if it’s when it gets too bored.

   

  "Nice, my parents are still married... " my mind says and a picture of my smiling parents who found each other when they were in their teens flashes across my eyes. "Oh, and my sister too, and my brother will tie the knot this weekend," my brain goes on obviously evading to calculate the consequences its comparative study could cause. "Oh, my relatives are all pairing up and my schoolmates are all dating. Coooool. Yeap, my little sister has also found that special someone. Aha.." There are times I let my mind win and I fall deep into the pretty pits of comparing and agonizing why everyone else and not me. But that day is not today. I have learnt to trust.

  Not being able to see him does not mean he does not exist.

   

  I held the pen in my hand and glanced outside the window. Snow was slowly falling from the sky. Big white flakes dancing in the light of the lamppost.

  
  
  Sometimes I was asked the question why I didn't date, or why was I still single. The question almost sounded like "What is wrong with you? Why don’t you have a man?" as if to imply that though I looked normal from the outside I had something seriously wrong with me from within. Obviously I do not have an objective opinion about myself, so I couldn't say whether my mind functions normally or not, but I would argue that a man and a woman are a whole on their own as well as with someone.

   

  One question is, why start a relationship with someone one does not like, or with whom one does not like to chill out and share one's thoughts with?

   

  Here someone could ask "Haven’t you ever liked someone? Haven’t you ever felt like you would want to spend some time with that person and share your thoughts with him?"
  Yes, this is the tricky part. When it comes to relationships, usually a mutual feeling of these kinds of things is required. Nobody wants to force someone to like them in that special way if they do not feel the same way naturally. Pretending to be someone else just to fit one's requirements, just so to gain his affections can be costly..

  
  Eeva: "So, what’s your favorite color? I like blue best."

  That someone: "Blue? I hate blue; my favorite color is poop brown."

  Eeva: "Really.. Actually, come to think about it, I also love poop brown best!"

  That someone:"Really! Then we are a perfect match! We should get married in poop brown clothes and have our house painted the same color!"

  Eeva: "Uhh... Yea..." and in her head Eeva thought: I’m getting married, but at what cost! I hate poop brown, and now I have to pretend my whole life!

  … Indeed. Don’t you just love my excellent example, huh?

  Anyways, the moral of the story is, you should be yourself. Pretence is not a good basis for a relationship.
  
  

  I yawned. The day had been long and now it was snowing more. I got up and stretched. I felt dizzy for a moment probably because I got up too fast and squeezed my eyes shut waiting it to pass. I wanted to get rid of this weird feeling. I need to get some fresh air, I thought and went to look for my gloves and jacket. I pulled my pink hat on and looked down at my shoe-collection. I had bought my first high-heeled winter shoes ever and they looked at me innocently from the floor as if to say: "Wear me! You will finally be pretty and the unbearable pain your feet will be feeling tomorrow will be worth it!" I hesitantly glanced at my pair of old, worn, sneakers, which would not win the fashion prizes anytime soon, unless "dorky" became the new "hip". I grabbed my dorky shoes and pulled them on.

  
  I was not like the other girls. Maybe none of the girls are like the other girls, but that would just pose the question “Who are the other girls in the first place?” Anyways, I was different. I looked around me in the city covered in snow and thanked God I had not worn a skirt. It was freezing.

  
  Okay, maybe there was something in me that affected my choice in men, and sometimes it worked as an excellent men-repeller as well. I have never had troubles discussing this issue with people, men or women and to be honest every time I discuss about this issue I feel as though I'm a fish released into the fresh deep sea, aka happy. It’s my passion, and I feel I would want to share it with that special someone.

   

  So what is this thing I have, which works so well? Though my mum would suggest it would be judo that scares the men away, the one which repels even some of the judokas is Jesus.

  
  As I said, mutual liking is required in a relationship. Or at least the will to want like the other person no matter what. As this is said, I think we are able to know a little bit of how God feels.

  
  God loves us so much, but among us there are those who do not love Him back. God thinks about us 24/7 and the thought of getting attention and spending time with us brings a smile on His face. But the smile is not there to stay because the people ignore Him, reject Him and run away from Him.

   

  It seems as though some of us would rather have God as the poop brown loving person, who is pretending to be who we want Him to be rather than accepting God as He is with His righteous opinions no matter how harsh they might feel at first. We talk about the importance of being yourself  but refuse to accept others when they actually are being themselves.

  
  Imagine loving someone so much that he is constantly in your mind. You cannot get over him until you gather the courage to tell him or her how you feel. You wish and dream he would feel the same, but when the frightful moment comes when you let him know how you feel..

  He looks into your eyes and laughs:

  "I dont feel the same way"

  "I don’t believe you actually love me!"

  "Actually, I hate you"

  "Let’s just be friends, ok?"

  It just breaks your heart.

  After all, you were longing for a deeper intimacy and got rejected.

  God does it too. He longs for a deeper intimacy with us and it breaks His heart every time He gets rejected.

   

  Unrequited love. God of all people (metaphorically speaking) knows what it is like to love and not be loved back in return. But the difference is what God does after He gets rejected? He still decides to love with His perfect forgiving and caring love regardless whether we decide to answer His love or not.

  I think I want to do so too…

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  Eeva // waiting for summerrrrr     \(^-^)/
  

   

   

  • 10:57 AM
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